bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
