I just cut my nipple shaving
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
