i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
