I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize