All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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