you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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