I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
