Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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