OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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