First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
