I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
