someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
