Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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