JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
