Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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