i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
this just has baby written all over it
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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