people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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