don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
