...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
