It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Randomize
