I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
