Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
