Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
