I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
