I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
