I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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