I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Randomize
