You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
tell me about the fingering
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
