forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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