Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
