one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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