his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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