she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
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