apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
