I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
