Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
