Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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