in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
you have to choose: penises or morals?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
