I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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