Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
