i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
