Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
