I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
operation harelip BJ is a go
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
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