I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
