Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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