Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
