Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
