Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
