i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
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