help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
