I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
