Kiss
Puke
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
