remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
