No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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