Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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