Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
