I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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