If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
