Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
