i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
