listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
