Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
don't judge my taste in strippers
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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