I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
