I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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