yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize