Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
