You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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