1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
