I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Dick very happy bro
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
