So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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