OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
