I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Sober January is a disaster.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Also, beer. Big fan.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
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