He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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